The holiday season is just around the corner and for many parents that means it's time to bring out The Elf on the Shelf.


I know that during the holiday season we adults are super busy and it can sometimes be a pain in the you-know-what to plan out and execute Elf on the Shelf activities. But you can do easy things that your kids will still love.

To get them excited for their Elf to arrive, do a little preview. We set up my niece's new Scout Elf up in a cute "North Pole" scene. We did it outside since it had recently snowed but if you don't have any fresh snow, use some quilt batting to create a fake snowy scene.

We used a skis ornament, a sled ornament and a bottle brush tree. We also rolled up some white paper and attached some red ribbon and a mini red ornament to make a classic pole marker. Then use an app like Photoshop Express to edit and add a filter to your photo. We used one that made the photo lighter so it was magical and "glowy" like the snow is just lighting everything up.


Since our niece is only a few months old, this was really for mom, so we just sent her a text to read and show her daughter. But all you have to do for an older child is take a photo and print it out along with a letter telling the child the elf will be there soon!

And it's as easy and simple as that!

I would say my birth didn't go as planned but in a way it did.


My birth plan was to keep me and the baby alive and that is exactly what happened. I never thought I would have a crash c-section and I never thought it would be so hard for me to process the fact I had one, even though I knew it was a possibility. I never wished to do both labors, making it to all the way to 10 centimeters and then being rushed to surgery because of fetal failure from cord compression.


I was absolutely terrified when the room went silent and the doctor and nurses were watching the moniters. I could faintly here my daughter's heart rate slowly climb back up. I never wish that moment on my worst enemy and it still haunts me to this very day. I never wished to hear my doctor say "I will not sit here and watch her heart rate climb that slowly again."


The next thing I knew I was signing paper work, sobing and feeling like I have already failed my daughter as a mother. I never wish the pain I first experienced when my surgery started on anyone. I wished I could have held my baby right away but I was shaking so bad from the anesthesia and vomiting in my own hair. Every mother wants to hold their baby right away.


I just feel sad somtimes that my mom and sister didn't get to see her be born like I wanted them too. I feel sad that my husband was so scared and stressed out during the process. I feel sad that my baby was struggling; did she feel scared, sick or was she in pain? I feel the most sad that I almost lost her.


When I look at my daughter today and she smiles at me I think how thankful and happy I am that she made it out alive. I am so thankful for my doctor and nurses that saved her life. I am so happy that Alex got to hold her right away. I thought how special is that for him that he gets to bond with her right away, most dads don't get to do that. That's what got me through the rest of my surgery. I thought, wow, I am a bad ass mom; I just did both labors in one day!


My daughter's cord was around her neck, body and a leg. If I did a vaginal birth she would have either not come out alive or would have had permanent damage.


My birth was not easy and I have the scar to prove it. But I have the most beautiful and perfect baby girl from it.

Okay, maybe if you are scared of spiders you won't like this cake! But if you want to scare the pants off your guests, friends, co-workers or whomever, this dessert is the perfect Halloween treat!


This cake is really pretty simple. We came across the idea on Pinterest (it's originally from Pizzazzerie) and decided it would make a great entry into an office Halloween treat contest. On the outside, this cake looks unassuming, but cut into it and <insert high-pitched scream here>.  Once you cut and remove the first slice of cake, a cluster of spiders will spill out!

Image from Pizzazzerie

We chose to do a white sponge cake with adjustments for high altitude already built into the recipe, but you can choose whatever white cake recipe you want. The reason you want a white cake is so the black spiders really stand out in contrast to the cake. In all, this cake recipe made 4 layers! And we decided to include all 4 layers into this cake since they didn't bake up too high.

There are two important things to help you to get the siders to tumble out of the cake when you cut and remove the first slice. One is to cut a hole into the center of all the layers except for the top layer. (Yes, you will be cutting a hole in the bottom layer.) The second is to not frost the inside of the holes with a crumb coat. You don't want a bunch of your spiders sticking to the inside of your cake.

We cut 2.5" circles into our three bottom layers. (We saved our circle cut-offs from the cake and made something with it which you'll see at the end of the post!) Stack and ice with a basic buttercream frosting then, add plastic spiders. We cut the ring off some spider rings and added them along with some black round sprinkles and some white bone sprinkles. Add on the top layer then crumb coated the cake and chill it for at least 10 minutes.

Next, add a ton of frosting onto your cake and using a bench scraper, remove the excess frosting for a smooth look. Because our cake was so high and we had so many layers, this part used up an entire recipe of buttercream. So we made a half batch to add rosettes to the top of the cake.


We used a Wilton 1M tip and white frosting, adding on some large rosettes, leaving space in between for the black rosettes. After we were done with the white, we added cocoa powered and black food coloring to the remaining frosting, using hot water to soften it up a bit after adding all that cocoa powder. Remember that your black frosting will darken as it sits. We ended up having a really dark charcoal grey frosting when we were done mixing and it deepened to a really nice black after about an hour.


Since we had placed our white frosting into some plastic wrap before inserting it into the piping bag, we were able to reuse the same piping bag without washing it. Then we added black rosettes and inserted some plastic spiders (rings still attached) into the white rosettes and a few on the sides of the cake. And that's it! Super easy and super fun!


And what did we do with those three 2.5" circle cuts from the cake, you ask? We made a cute little monster with googley eyes! Just stack your cuts together and insert a bamboo skewer to help you hold the little pieces together while crumb coating it. We piped on little stars for fur and added candy eyes. So cute and he's got some character to him!


Enjoy your Halloween!

We have big news to share here at This Bittersweet Life and we have been dying to tell you all! Just a few months ago Caitlin announced on her YouTube channel, Bella Fleur, that she is pregnant! We wanted to give her plenty of time to reveal the gender on her own social media channels and now we can finally share a blog post about her pregnancy!

Don't worry, Alex really is happy it's a girl, he just doesn't smile much while Cait is extremely expressive!

It's a GIRL!!

We are all so excited to become a dad, mom, Oma (grandmother) and Tante (aunt) to a sweet little baby girl and we ladies are ready to throw the best baby shower ever! But of course no "Boese Girl Party" would be complete without exceptional food and decor. Honestly, it's what we do. My Aunt Sandy calls me "Mini Martha" after Martha Stewart. My mom calls it going "overboard." [Insert eye roll here.]

The rag garland banner in full!

We have been so excited we started planning this party almost as soon as Caitlin told us she was pregnant. And while the shower may not be until mid-July, we are already in the throes of it all. My mom and I started a Pinterest board to begin collecting ideas for food and decor once Caitlin decided on a theme and now we are even starting to make decor and try out new baking techniques.

But more on baking and food later. Today, we are focusing on this adorable, and super easy to make, rag garland in Caitlin and Alex's gender reveal photo. Not only did we use in the gender reveal photo, but it will make a perfect mantle decoration at the baby shower.

You can opt to have some ribbon and fabric flowers on the garland, or you can just us strips of fabric.  Most of the supplies you'll need you probably already have at home, like an iron and measuring tape.

Close up of some of the flowers.

Supplies You'll Need

• 3 to 4 yards of fabric (we had 1 yard each of 3 different patterns plus on fat quarter)
• Fabric scissors
• Iron and ironing board
• Ruler and measuring tape
• Ribbon cord (you want something strong enough to hold the weight of the fabric)
• Needle and thread
• Fabric flowers and/or brooches (optional)
• Ribbon (optional)

I started by doing the back row with the longer strips first, spacing out my ribbon and then starting to add the fabric strips.

After you do the back row, do the front row with the shorter strips next!

For those that have been following along, you'll know that my mom and I took care of my elderly Oma (grandmother) until she passed away. After she passed, we both started fresh. We sold both houses and my mom bought a brand new house, built to her specifications. That was a huge step for all of us, but especially for my mom. That was her first time ever selling or buying a home.

Our home prior to the devastating hail storm.

It has been 3 years since my Oma passed away but when I think back on those days of taking care of her, it seems like just yesterday. But so many things have happened, including that giant hailstorm that hit us, causing tons of damage to our house. That was last June. It's been almost a year now and we are still working on getting all of the damage repaired, as are many of our neighbors.

The siding looked like some hit golf balls at it. I described it as Swiss cheese.

So far, we've had the windows, roof, gutters and fencing replaced. Recently we had the first layer of stucco put on our house. Like many of our neighbors, we decided to stucco the whole house in the hopes that it would be more durable in a massive hailstorm were we to be hit again.

The hail broke 2 windows and one window frame.

But getting here has been a fight. Luckily our contractor has been amazing. So many of the insurance companies were overwhelmed with claims that they hired a lot of new adjusters. The person who did our adjustment had never done one on his own before. Something was off in his measurements and so the insurance company only awarded my mom $200 to reside her house. That wasn't even enough to do what all needed to be replaced. Our contractor fought for us and ended up getting my mom the money she really deserved. It was enough that we were able to afford stucco instead of replacing broken vinyl.

Our baseball sized hail stones.

But in Colorado, it's cold during the winter and you can't do stucco when it's below 50 degrees. It took a while to get to this first layer of stucco. In fact, our house sat with the chicken wire on it for quite some time before they were able to stucco our home. It was covered in the wire just before Christmas and we just finally got the first coat of stucco on in early March! Now we wait 5 days for it to cure before they apply the color coat. But we will have to wait for another nice day.

Our house during the holiday season, partially covered in the water barrier and the chicken wire.

I know what you are thinking, if you are someone who does not live in the Rocky Mountain region. "But it's spring! You should have plenty of nice days now!" No. The answer to that, is no. That old saying of "April showers bring May flowers" does not apply to the Rocky Mountain region. It's more like "April snowstorms bring slightly warmer days in May." April is the snowiest month in Colorado. Even tulips don't generally show up until late May. Planting flowers on Mother's Day in Colorado is like playing Russian roulette! There is always a chance of a late freeze.

A close up of the chicken wire. They use foam to mold the pop-outs around the doors and windows.

And if this March has been any indication of what April will be like, then our mountain towns are in for a doozy of an April. But I live in a valley in the foothills on the front range so snow is more mild for us, unless there is an Albuquerque low, in which case that means it's a blizzard and my little valley gets buried under 5 and a half feet of snow. But even when our snow is more mild, the temperatures are still bitterly cold.

But we are patient and willing to wait. We want the stucco done right and not falling off in chunks because it was put on when it was too cold for it to properly cure and dry. But once the stucco is complete, all we'll have left is the banister on our front porch, our garage door and the facia trim on the roofline! Like everyone else in the neighborhood, we are excited to be finished with all of the repairs and move on--it has been nearly a year since that hailstorm.

My garden in the backyard after the hail storm. I hope the plants all grow back strong this year.

After the house repairs, it will be a wait and see game with my gardens. Did my peonies survive? I hope so. My hosta seemed to recover quite nicely, but peonies are finicky. And I'm so ready for spring in my garden, the lush greens and colorful petals, the sweet scents of flowers on the breeze. I'm still hopeful.

Telling people I live with a chronic pain condition isn't something I enjoy shouting from the rooftops. Mostly I hate the looks of pity people give me, or the exclamations of "But you're so young!"(I know, thanks for reminding me...) I'm also still very afraid that if I say something about having a pre-existing condition, that I won't be considered for a job or I will be fired from one. Though it is illegal, it still happens. "She won't be able to handle it" or "Her health insurance is so expensive" are phrases that come to mind. I also hate when people diminish my pain. When others tell me about their unusual amount of pain or exhaustion, I tell them I can relate, as a way of saying I understand, I know it hurts. But the responses I get are usually "But you're used to the pain, I'm not." No, actually, I never get used to it. I have just learned to live with it. That doesn't make may pain and exhaustion any less uncomfortable.

A rare day when I actually wore makeup and painted my nails for no reason at all.

But I'm at a point in my life now where the disconnect between how people view me and how I view myself is too great to bear. Advocacy for myself and fellow chronic pain sufferers, or "spoonies" as we call ourselves (read the spoon theory here), is the only way to bridge the divide. Some people see me as a liability, some as only half of a person, some think I should ignore my condition and it will magically disappear, while others put pressure on me to do as much as I can and live life as much like a normal, non-chronic pain suffering person would.

But I'm none of those things. I'm not a liability, but a person who is able to see things from another perspective. I'm a full human being wanting to live a happy and as full a life as I can--just like anyone else in this world. But I am not a normal, healthy person and I most certainly cannot just pretend this chronic pain condition doesn't exist. It's constantly there, reminding me it does exist with burning pain, stabbing pain and the cracking of my joints every time I move. And not caring for myself and that condition, only serves to make the pain worse.

Over the years, I have learned my limitations and I respect them. Though that doesn't mean sometimes I won't overdo it; I know full well that I will reap the consequences later. Balancing my life is, as with anyone, a life-long learning experience. My consequences are both physical and emotional pain.

I began noticing symptoms of Fibromyalgia in my preteen years and I wasn't diagnosed until I was 18. I underwent multiple blood tests to no avail. My doctor tried a high calcium regimen but that did not help. I was always exhausted but I woke up dozens of times a night. My mom was worried about me, which is saying something. She was the kind of mom that sent you to school after having you take some cold medicine, that 101 degree fever be damned. My doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist. She noticed that my joints and muscles were more out of balanced than usual for a teenager, but that wasn't causing my pain, probably only worsening it. So she sent me to a rheumatologist. After listening to my symptoms and doing what is called a "tender point examination," I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (FMS), a body-wide chronic pain condition that effects every system in my body.

It was only about 35 years ago that people thought FMS patients were just crazy and sent them to mental institutions. There was no X-ray or blood test that said anything was wrong with them, so they must be crazy, right? To this day, still no one knows what causes FMS, though there are a dozen theories and no real treatment for it. Patients are usually prescribed anti-depressants, sleeping pills, nerve inhibitors, muscle relaxants, and when it's really bad, opioids. Doctors usually write the prescription, pat you on the back and send you on your way with a cheery "Good luck!"  At least we are no longer locked up in mental wards, though there are still plenty of people out there who think it's a fake disorder.

That is probably thanks to the fact that it is considered an invisible illness. To look at me, you wouldn't think I'm sick. I don't have any physical show of illness and I smile through my pain. Most people when they ask "How are you doing?" don't really want to hear how you truly are doing, it's more of a way to say hello. So I often smile and tell people I'm okay or I'm hanging in there. On the inside, I'm actually screaming in pain. And who wants to listen to you complain about all your pain over and over again anyway? (But I just want my friends to know, that when I ask you how you are, I genuinely want to know how you are doing.)

I may be smiling, but don't let that fool you. I was in a lot of pain the day I took this photo.

For most, treating FMS is a battle you fight on your own. You have to take initiative to do research and try things. Some have found relief in massage and yoga, others acupuncture or a change in diet. Some Fibromyalgics are in so much pain that they are bed ridden. No two FMS patients have the exact same symptoms so different treatments work for different people. I, thankfully, am not bed-ridden. However, I am part of the weird group of FMS patients (about 2% of the FMS population) that feels pain more often in my joints than in my muscles. And no medication I've tried seems to work and I cannot afford yoga classes or massages.

But any Fibromyalgic would tell you that FMS is so much more than chronic pain. Rather than listing off a bunch of symptoms, I'll take you through one of my days. As a healthy and normal person, I don't want you to read this and pity me. I just want you to read it and understand it. If you are a fellow spoonie, take comfort in knowing you are not alone in your suffering.

In the morning, I wake up to the sound of either my alarm or my dogs whining to go out. I pry open my eyes, squinting at painful sunlight that literally makes my eyeballs hurt. My mouth is dry and I can't speak. I lay in bed for a minute, allowing myself to acclimate to all the sensory information overloading my brain: smells, sounds, light--all of it is overwhelming. I clumsily silence my alarm if it is ringing. When I sit up, nearly every joint in my spine cracks. My muscles are all stiff and sore, despite sleeping on a memory foam mattress. I feel like I've been run over by a train. My brain is moving at slower than a snail's pace. I usually lose my balance trying to stand up and trip around my own feet going to the bathroom. I'm still working out the kinks and bending my knees and ankles is almost nonexistent at this point as I walk awkwardly to the bathroom.

I don't turn on the light in the bathroom, the light would be too much. When I sit down on the toilet, both of my knees give a loud pop and pain shoots up through my thighs to my hips and down my calves to my ankles. When I stand back up, I lose my balance a bit again and my muscles scream as they stretch.

No makeup and just some comfy clothes. My dogs bring me comfort when I need it most.

I walk to my bedroom door and let me and my dogs out of the room. Light from my loft window assaults me when I open the door. I'm still walking funny as my muscles and joints are still extremely stiff. I begin to go down the stairs. Each stair causes my ankles to pop. There are 15 steps. The dogs are patiently waiting at the sliding glass door for me to let them out, they make it down the stairs long before I do. During the summer months, opening the door doesn't cause discomfort. But during the colder months, opening the door means exposing myself to the cold and cold causes my joints to hurt more. Every joint in my body burns with pain when that cold blast hits me. One of my dogs is still young and learning so getting him to come in when I call is still an issue sometimes. That means I have to go outside to corral him. Then I need to bend over and put on my boots. My teeth clench with the pain as I do this.

Stepping out into the cold air is even worse, even if it is only minimally cold. Breathing it in hurts. Moving in it hurts. Speaking to my dog before I've had anything to drink hurts--it feels like my vocal chords are on fire when I speak. I shoo him inside after finally getting his attention. Once the door is closed, I'm only given small relief. It takes some time to work the cold out of my bones. I take off my boots and head to the coffee machine, joints popping and muscles screaming as I go.

No makeup but I felt well enough to trek up the hill on my Oma's property this day, even though it was a bit windy and a storm was moving in.

I reach up for a coffee mug and my shoulder catches. The pain causes me to gasp. I start making coffee. Shaking the coffee creamer causes pain in my elbow and shoulder. Reaching for the dogs morning Greenie causes the same pain as reaching for a coffee mug. Bending my arm to place the bones in my pocket causes my elbow to pop. I take the Greenies and my coffee upstairs. Fifteen steps, 15 ankle pops. Any small amount of exertion causes air hunger in Fibromyalgics. You can be in the best shape of your life, but you'll still sound like an out of shape rookie after your first marathon attempt. I huff and puff like that when I reach the top of the stairs. Sometimes I get a little dizzy and disoriented from it. I have to stop when I reach the top before I can walk into my room. When I get to my bed, I reach into my pocket to get the Greenie bones and my elbow pops again. I set down my coffee mug and my muscles ache. I give my dogs their morning treat and my muscles scream from stretching. I sit down on my bed again and my knees pop.

At this point, all of my joints are on fire and my muscles ache and burn. I reach for my remote and turn on the news. My elbow pops, knuckles pop. Lifting my coffee mug hurts, my shoulder occasionally pops. Swallowing hurts. But the dryness if finally leaving my mouth. It doesn't hurt as much to talk to my dogs now. I spend the morning sipping coffee and listening to the news and using my phone to look at emails and social media. I take my time because I hurt so much. How much I push myself in the morning sets up the rest of my day and how much pain I will be in later. It's important to take it easy. During this time, I deal with my allergies that seem to be year-round now. I blow my nose and cough from drainage, both of which are painful for my chest muscles.

When I do get up for the day, I head to my closet, joints still popping and muscles still aching. I pick something out with comfort in mind. Is my Allodynia flaring today? If it is I pick loose jogging or sweat pants and a loose shirt so that the seams don't bother me. If not, yoga pants and a basic T-shirt. On days when my Allodynia is particularly bad, just the weight of clothing on my skin is severely painful. Those days are spent in bed, crying in pain, because what else can I do?  I've even had to switch to bras without underwire. They don't hold me up as well but the pain from the underwire hitting tender points right under my breasts is too painful. After 30 minutes of wearing an underwire bra, it feels like someone punched me in the chest twice. I usually forgo underwear at home. The close fitting fabric and seams can rub and cause pain.

Comfort and warmth. Another rare selfie with one of my dogs. I've gained a lot of weight and hate photos of myself.

In the late morning I finally get hungry. Eating too early makes my stomach get upset. I make myself something simple-- an egg sandwich, a smoothie or yogurt and granola. When I'm cold I make oatmeal. When I'm exhausted, a bowl of cereal will suffice. Every movement causes pain. Those 15 steps aren't as bad the second time I take them. My ankles pop every couple of steps now. Chewing my food is painful, swallowing it is just as painful. I have to sit for a few minutes after I'm done. Getting up causes pain, walking causes pain, bending over to put my dishes in the dishwasher causes pain.

I work from home and make my own hours. But I like to get started in the morning. Going to work just means going up the stairs. Again 15 steps and air hunger at the top that makes me dizzy. I go to brush my teeth before I start work and the back and forth movement causes pain. The taste of the toothpaste is overwhelming most days. It's like my senses are on fire. On rare occasions it causes my tongue to twitch.

Sometimes I'm at the computer doing contract social media work or creating graphics and updating websites for my music groups. Sometimes I'm at my scrapping counter. Either way, I'm usually in one position for a long period of time. Typing causes pain in my hands, fighting the stiffness in my knuckles. A searing pain on my side just under my armpit and around my back to my spine flares every few minutes. I suffer from constant lower back pain. Every time I shift my position, my joints pop when I bend them. When I work standing at my craft desk, my feet and calves hurt. Bending joints causes them to pop. Twisting caps open hurts my wrist and fingers. Just think of me as an old lady. Opening anything is painful and difficult.

By lunchtime I'm stiff and sore. Making my lunch causes the same pains as making breakfast did. Reaching, stretching, bending, it all causes more pain. It's just pain building on top of more pain on top of more pain all day long. I take it easy when eating lunch. Again, chewing and swallowing my food causes pain. Getting my dishes to the dishwasher causes more pain.

If I haven't finished working, I go back upstairs. I reach the top and have to stop to catch my breath again. My chest muscles and knees are screaming. It feels like they are on fire. I work through the pain and the popping and cracking. Other days I run errands in the afternoon. The extra walking causes pain, especially in my hips. Once a week I have a flute quartet rehearsal in the late afternoon. Playing the flute causes a whole other set of pain issues, but more on that later.

It was a lazy weekend day for my sister, mom and I when we suddenly decided to go check on the process of my mom's new house being built. I'm happy when my sister "slums it" with me. Then I don't feel so guilty for wearing jogging pants and a T-shirt. (Thank you to my brother-in-law for taking this photo!)

At this point, I've spent the day alone with my dogs for the most part. Close to the time my mom comes home I do a mood check. Do I have control of my emotions today? As a Fibromyalgic, my body can't regulate my hormones very well and that can cause severe mood swings. A person waving hi to me across the street can set me off but right now, I'm on birth control and it does a wonderful job regulating my hormones. But on my period weeks, I have to watch it. If my mood is out of control, I spend 30 minutes bringing it into check, because once I'm set off, I can't control it and I know it, which only makes it worse.

When my mom gets home in the evening, she's pretty exhausted from work. On nights I don't have a music rehearsal, we make dinner or eat leftovers. We spend the night chatting, watching the news and sitting and relaxing. We both need it at this point.

On Monday and Tuesday nights, I have rehearsals for two music groups I'm in. I change into more suitable clothes for all my rehearsals. I don't want to show up looking like a slob so I put on a nice shirt and a pair of stretchy jeans. I sometimes put on jewelry. Necklaces and bracelets are the easiest. Sometimes my fingers are too swollen for rings. I only wear earrings on special occasions like for concerts. They bother my ears too much otherwise. The only piece of jewelry I wear all the time is my nose ring. It is the smallest gauge possible to keep it from irritating my skin. I wear makeup to concerts and occasionally out when I'm having a better day. But most days, I forgo the extra work.

Each rehearsal lasts at least two hours. Monday nights aren't as bad. I'm tired by the time the two hour rehearsal is done and I'm in lots of pain. My spine feels like it's been through a trash compactor several times. My hands are swollen and painful and my knuckles are bruised.  I'm stiff from sitting for so long.  But I still have to walk to my car, usually in the cold, and still drive home. On Tuesdays, I'm still dealing with the pain from Monday's rehearsal. This is flute choir and for this group, I play bass flute. It is large and heavy and my hands are small and my fingers short. Playing bass flute is more painful than playing concert flue and piccolo like I do on Mondays. By the end of the Tuesday night rehearsal, I'm thoroughly exhausted and in a ton of pain. But again, I still have to walk to my car and drive home.

My friend, Anita, and I playing a piccolo duet with our flute choir at our "Divas" concert.  I really enjoyed playing this concert. Being able to be with friends and just have fun is a highlight for me and why I still play flute even though it is painful to do so.  (Just in case you were wondering, that giant vertical flute you see back there is a sub contrabass flute.)

I don't like to eat dinner before I play my flute. I have a harder time breathing and filling up my lungs as much as I need on a full stomach. When I get home on Monday and Tuesdays, I make myself something to eat. I warm up leftovers or make a sandwich. Again, the reaching, stretching and bending is all very painful. My hands are stiff, sore and swollen. I'm clumsy and I have to move slow, but I'm so exhausted and I just want to get something to eat and go to bed.

Wednesday or Thursday I have that afternoon flute quartet rehearsal, also another two hours. I'm still sore and hurting from Monday and Tuesday. The pain builds up over the week. By Friday, I generally need a nap midday to recharge. I feel guilty taking it even though I know I need it. I'm usually depressed by Friday too, having dealt with so much pain day-in-and-day-out. The depression increases when I take the time I need to recharge because of the guilt I feel. I'm still working on not feeling guilty when doing self-care. It's a process.

By bedtime, I'm absolutely exhausted and in a world of pain. I have to let the dogs out one last time and that blast of cold air makes me stiff and the pain is like fire coursing through me. Then I have to take those 15 steps upstairs and they seem like an insurmountable mountain at this point. But I do it, breathing like a maniac at the top, feeling dizzy again. I stumble to my bedroom and put my drink on my nightstand, joints popping the whole way. I brush my teeth knowing that it will cause more pain and that the taste of the toothpaste burns and makes stars pop in front of my eyes.  I take showers at night to help relax my muscles and calm my nerves and so I don't have to dry my hair because that is just one more thing to do that exhausts me. I'll sleep on it wet instead. Then I stumble to bed to take my meds out of my nightstand. My top drawer is a bit stiff and I have to yank it harder, my elbow pops. Twisting open my medicine caps causes pain in my wrists and hand. I have issues grabbing the tiny pills. I take out the three I need then place them in my hand and swallow all of them at once with a swig of water. They are all small but the swallowing still causes pain. I blow my nose and my chest aches. I shake my allergy spray and my shoulder catches and causes searing pain. I spray the nasal mist into my nose and it burns. The taste is metallic and overwhelming when it hits the back of my tongue, it makes me gag. But without it, my allergies are horrible.

Finding a comfortable position to sleep in is a task in and of itself. I toss and turn for hours. I'm sensitive to temperature and when I was younger, my room had to be like a sauna in order for me to be warm enough to sleep. Now that I'm older, I can't get too hot when I sleep or it causes me to toss and turn more. Perhaps it's age or maybe it's just a better insulated and newer house--either way, it's a battle every night. On average, it takes me 3 hours to fall asleep, despite how exhausted I am. I have sleeping pills but don't take them often. I'm afraid I'll become dependent on them. I have sleeping disorders like most Fibromyalgics. When my brain gets to that last stage of sleep, deep sleep, it wakes up. Sometimes I fully wake up, but I'm so used to it now my brain just kicks me back to the first stage of sleep. I spend the whole night attempting to fall into deep sleep. It's exhausting. Not having that last stage of sleep is what causes my immune system to be depressed. In that last stage of sleep, your immune system stops healing your body and heals itself instead. My immune system never really gets much of a chance to do that. Thanks to this weird quirk, FMS was finally classified as an autoimmune disorder.

Fibromyalgia is also affected by season changes and weather pattern changes. Every change causes me to feel more pain. And then I'm also sick half of the year. When I'm sick, I'm in a lot more pain. I'm also more exhausted. Sometimes I can work through it, other times I need a nap, but when it's really bad, I spend the day in bed, crying in pain. My allergies are year round but flare up even worse when everyone else's allergies decide to show up. I'm prone to sinus infections which turn into bronchitis. Playing flute has made my diaphragm strong so when I cough, it's a strong cough. Continual coughing rips my throat up and then my lungs. I've spit up blood from both so many times it's insane. I have scar tissue on my lungs from it. Taking all those allergy pills and cold meds drys me up too. I get nosebleeds often.

Me, my sister and brother-in-law with my Oma (grandmother) at her last Christmas. Holidays are special. I just enjoy the moment and my pain lessens from all the happiness and love.

I'm prone to migraines. The more exhausted and in pain I am, the more likely I am to get a migraine. Excedrine Migraine is the only medicine that helps. But it thins your blood so when I get nosebleeds, they are bloody and long. The longest one I had was 40 minutes. The blood was pouring out of my nose. I gave up using tissues and just hung my head over the sink for a good portion of those 40 minutes.

When the "Fibro Fog" is bad, my brain moves like molasses. It can be as simple as forgetting a word and as bad as forgetting what the shampoo is for while in the shower. I've driven to the end of my street and forgotten where I'm going or how to get to where I'm going. One time I assembled a chicken casserole to cook in the over, then walked out of the kitchen to the laundry room and opened the dryer. I stood there for five minutes wondering why it didn't look quite right and wondering what happened to my oven rack when I realized that was not the oven. Sometimes I also have problems controlling the movements of my mouth and my words come out jumbled and mushy.

I have weight issues and a digestive system that is always out of wack. I am prone to panic and anxiety attacks, my nails are brittle, my hair falls out more than it should and my vision acuity changes depending on the lighting. Under harsh lights like fluorescents, my vision is blurry. Outside in the sunlight I can see clearly for miles and miles. Switching from near focus to far focus is a slow process for my eyes. Sometimes it takes several minutes to accommodate and other times it takes nearly an hour. The muscles that controls my eye movement is one of the most painful parts of my body. I find myself turning my whole head or body to look at things instead of just moving my eyes.

I think I often keep myself busy as a way to focus my brain on things other than the pain and exhaustion of FMS. In quiet moments, I find myself tuning in to my body and realizing just how much pain I'm in and it can be overwhelming. I get a bit of a glassy look to my eyes. It's good to do a check-in with yourself, yes, but I always have to steel myself for these moments. If it catches me off guard it's almost too much to take in.

Having Fibromyalgia is a daily, delicate balance, like walking a tight rope. I'm constantly weighing my options, thinking of the consequences. It has changed my life completely. I think it is one of the reasons I decided not to get my degree in Music and become a professional flute player. But it isn't all bad. I like to think it has made me stronger and more resilient. I also can tell three days in advance of everyone else in my family that the milk is starting to go bad thanks to my amplified senses, and that is kind of handy.

Three generations of women on my sister's wedding day. I was so busy doing things and enjoying the moment my pain went to the back burner of my brain. I live for these moments. It's a sort of non-medicinal relief. I also lost a lot of weight for this and it definitely helps not being so overweight.

But FMS isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. I don't see a cure for it any time soon, nor any real treatment. I learned in college that the co-morbidity rate (the rate at which having one disorder makes it more likely you'll get another that will kill you prematurely) is 99 percent for FMS. For me, it's not a matter of if I get Lupus or some sort of cancer, it's when. I've had to come to terms with that and I easily made my peace with it. For my friends and family that know about that, I'm not sure they have come to terms with it as easily as I have.

For now, I choose to live in the moment. I want to drink in as many of those wonderfully delicious, happy moments that I can. I love food even though it hurts to eat and drink. I laugh even though it makes my chest feel like it's on fire and I want hugs even though someone squeezing me hurts. Because I want it all: the good, the bad and the painful.