I would say my birth didn't go as planned but in a way it did.

My birth plan was to keep me and the baby alive and that is exactly what happened. I never thought I would have a crash c-section and I never thought it would be so hard for me to process the fact I had one, even though I knew it was a possibility. I never wished to do both labors, making it to all the way to 10 centimeters and then being rushed to surgery because of fetal failure from cord compression.


I was absolutely terrified when the room went silent and the doctor and nurses were watching the moniters. I could faintly here my daughter's heart rate slowly climb back up. I never wish that moment on my worst enemy and it still haunts me to this very day. I never wished to hear my doctor say "I will not sit here and watch her heart rate climb that slowly again."


The next thing I knew I was signing paper work, sobing and feeling like I have already failed my daughter as a mother. I never wish the pain I first experienced when my surgery started on anyone. I wished I could have held my baby right away but I was shaking so bad from the anesthesia and vomiting in my own hair. Every mother wants to hold their baby right away.


I just feel sad somtimes that my mom and sister didn't get to see her be born like I wanted them too. I feel sad that my husband was so scared and stressed out during the process. I feel sad that my baby was struggling; did she feel scared, sick or was she in pain? I feel the most sad that I almost lost her.


When I look at my daughter today and she smiles at me I think how thankful and happy I am that she made it out alive. I am so thankful for my doctor and nurses that saved her life. I am so happy that Alex got to hold her right away. I thought how special is that for him that he gets to bond with her right away, most dads don't get to do that. That's what got me through the rest of my surgery. I thought, wow, I am a bad ass mom; I just did both labors in one day!


My daughter's cord was around her neck, body and a leg. If I did a vaginal birth she would have either not come out alive or would have had permanent damage.


My birth was not easy and I have the scar to prove it. But I have the most beautiful and perfect baby girl from it.