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This Bittersweet Life

Hey, everyone! Happy Friday eve and I hope you all are having an awesome week. Today I posted a video about my morning skin care routine. I have learned so much about skin care when I started watching Dr. Dray's YouTube channel.

I used to have a very complicated skin care routine with a facial serum, eye creams or gels, toners, and face scrubs that I got separately from my normal facial cleanser.  I found Dr. Dray's YouTube channel when I was looking up Differin Gel tips and tricks. I knew this gel would really dry out my skin since it has Adapalene 0.1% which is a Vitamin A derivative. I use this gel nightly to treat my mild adult acne (I will post a night time routine soon).

My skin type is combination oily and I do get adult acne and frequently break out. You will notice that I did not use a serum or an eye cream. I learned that a serum is really just a more watered down version of a moisturizer. I also learned that eye cream is a basic facial moisturizer but in different packaging and at a higher price. I feel like I have saved so much money because I am not buying anymore extra products and am keeping my skin care fairly cheep.

Dr. Dray stated that skin care is something that you need to maintain and that it is hard to maintain something when you are shelling out over a hundred dollars every three months. I also personally have noticed that higher end skincare usually has some sort of fragrance in it. Keep reading if you would like to see my daily skin care routine products that are simple and cost effective with a bonus mask for my Mask Mondays that I do.

For my morning skin care routine on a daily basis, I use a cleanser that has 0.2% salicylic acid, one humectant, two sunscreens and one lip balm. On Mondays I do like to treat myself to a mask.  The cleanser I used in this video is the Clean and Clear acne triple clear cleanser. I chose this cleanser because the brand, in my opinion, is very cost effective. I also chose it for the 0.2% salicylic acid. Even though the salicylic acid is in a face wash form and is only left on the skin for a short amount of time Dr. Dray stated that it does not need to be left on the skin for a long period of time in order to be effective. Salicylic acid works quickly by getting into the oil barring surface areas and gently sloughs off dead skin cells with no harsh scrubbing. I do enjoy this product but unfortunately is does have fragrance in it which can be irritating to the skin. The fragrance has not really bothered me at this point but I know that fragrance is really not good for the skin and I could potentially develop an allergy to what is in this cleanser.  Visit the Clean and Clear website so that you are able to see the list of ingredients of the product and to look at a few of the other things they offer.




The humectant I use is the Cetaphil Daily Hydrating Lotion for dry, extra dry skin with Hyaluronic Acid. I mentioned in the video that this was not one of my favorite moisturizers. At times it did burn my skin but not all the time which I found strange since I pretty much do the same routine every morning with a few exceptions. This moisturizer was more of a watery gel base and I would not recommend it for extra dry skin as I personally do not think it would moisturize enough for an extra dry skin type. On the other hand, a very oily skin type might really enjoy using this product.  This product claims to provide immediate and lasting hydration and is non-comedogenic and fragrance free. I did run out of this product during the video and did not repurchase it. The one humectant that I can recommend at this time would be the Neutrogena Hydro Boost gel-cream. This product is fragrance free and is a bit more moisturizing then the Cetaphil lotion becuase it is gel-cream based. The Neutrogena Hydro Boost gel-cream does have hyluronic acid in it and I have never had a problem with this moisturizer and get really good results from it. Check out the Cetaphil website so that you can decide if this brand is for you.




The fist sunscreen that I used in this video was the Neutrogena Hydro Boost Water Gel lotion broad spectrum SPF 30. This sunscreen is relatively new to me but I was so excited to see it in stores and to try it out. Asian, Korean, and Japanese sunscreens are gel based and very light weight, perfect for combo oily skin types. I feel that American sunscreens are a little behind the times in the consistency and SPF protection.  I really do enjoy using this sunscreen as my first base layer. The consistency is like a gel cream but is very light weight, it is almost like water on the face. This product does unfortunately have fragrance in it. If you have used other products from the Neutrogena Hydro Boost line, aside from the gel-cream, this product smells just like the rest of that line. The smell is not offensive at all and I do like the smell, but again skin care should not have fragrance in it for the health of your skin. Even though this does have fragrance in it I will keep using it unless I develop and allergy to it, because I just love the way it feels on the skin. Again, visit the Neutrogena website so that you can check out the Hydro boost gel-cream, this sunscreen and any other products you are interested in.




The next sunscreen I used in my video was the CeraVe Am Facial Moisturizing lotion with Broad Spectrum SPF 30. I truly love all the CeraVa products I have tried. They really are very simple with out fragrance and no harsh ingredients. There is not one product that I have tried from this line that I have not liked. The products I have tried are the Foaming Facial Cleanser and the Pm Facial Moisturizing Lotion. I really enjoy this Am moisturizer because it does have added sun protection and I use it to seal in all my hydrating humectens on my face to prevent transepidermal water loss.   This product does feel a little greasy at first but once I let it dry it almost feels like a powder finish. I did recently see that they made this same sunscreen specifically for an oily skin type and has a matte finish. That will be the next product I try since I really trust the CeraVe's brand to be gentle on my skin and I feel confident in trying the other products they offer. But if they did not have that product available then I would be repurchasing the regular Am lotion. I really do recommend this brand if you are doing any acne treatments, have sensitive skin, or just have normal skin in general.  Check out CeraVe's website so that you are able to explore their other products.





The last product I used was just plain old Vaseline to hydrate my lips. I have not used plain Vaseline in a really long time but my lips have been very dry from the winter. When I was out shopping I saw that they had a small travel size pot and I thought this would be perfect to use as my lip balm and it would not take up too much space in my bathroom skin care drawer. I know they have products that are specifically made for the lips, but I learned that skin care companies like to put the same product in different packaging and sell it for more than what it is worth, when you can get a larger amount for a better value. Vaseline is pretty universal so I can use this for multiple things even to clean my house. Visit their website--they actually have quite a selection of products to look at and chose from.





I did use a bonus product in this video. I usually do a mask on Mondays because I feel like it just really gets my skin ready for the week. This feeling could just be a placebo effect but I think it's always nice to feel like you are treating and taking time for your self. The Mask I used in this video was the Pixi Skintreats GLOW-O2. This product was the most expensive product that I used in this video and honestly is is not a necessary step in good skin care. I did look up this product on their website which I will leave down below, but this does have fragrance in it. The lavender oil, lemon peel oil, orange peel oil, Bergamot oil, Fruit Oil and Pixibeauty website.  It looks like a lot of their skin care products are heavily fragranced so I cannot recommend any thing from their skin care line. But you can decide for your self if this could be a beneficial brand for you.


I really hope you enjoyed my video and reading my blog about my review of these products and the information I had to share about skin care and the health of your skin. I am always learning new things and trying to find ways to get the best bang for your buck. I feel like I have almost perfected my skin care routine but I also love trying out new things. I feel like I have a good foundation of knowledge about what I should be looking for ingredients-wise so that I am able to safely try out products with no potential reactions. Skin care is very personal and is trial and error, so I really hope this gives you some good information and inspiration to possibly re-vamp your skin care routine if needed. I will leave some links down below such as Dr. Drays channel and a video about Skin allergies and dermatitis tips: Q&A with a dermatologist, because she does talk about fragrance in this video and what to look for in a product that is truly Fragrance Free and is much more well-versed in skin care than me. As always Live Life In Full Bloom.





Caitlin

  • Dr. Dray's YouTube Channel
  • Dr. Dray's video about Skin allergies 
  • My YouTube channel
  • My Morning Skin Care Routine Video


6:13 PM 41 comments


For most of my life I have been able to look out of my window and see America’s Mountain.  For those unfamiliar, I am talking about Pikes Peak, long celebrated as being the inspiration for the words of America the Beautiful.  Katharine Lee Bates the author of America the Beautiful drew inspiration for the words to the song after a trip to the summit of Pikes Peak the summer of 1893. 

Colorado is the state known for having the most days of sunshine per year.  As such, we Coloradans aren't quite
sure why Florida is known as the sunshine state, but we'll let them have it since we have landscape views
that can't be beat!  That snow covered peak in the background is America's Mountain, Pikes Peak!
This his what the residents of Colorado Springs and surrounding areas see each day.  

So what the heck does this little tidbit have to do with baking?  Oh if you only knew . . .  Let’s start with a few statistics.  Pikes Peak’s elevation is 14,115 feet above sea level.  I live in the foothills of Pikes Peak in the City of Colorado Springs whose elevation is over a full mile above sea level at 6,035.  When you think about it, my home is nearly half way up the mountain already!  My Pinterest board is loaded with cakes and yummy baked goodies; for most people trying these recipes means just following the ingredients in the amount indicated.  But for those of us living at high altitude it means tweaking every single baked recipe; decreasing the leavening, increasing the liquid and decreasing the sugar.  Unfortunately, I’m not a food scientist so it usually takes a few tries before I manage to get the adjustment just right on a newly tried recipe.  Alton Brown where are you when I need you???  

Pikes Peak even looks beautiful on "the back side."  This is how we Coloradans refer to the side of Pikes Peak you can see from the Canyon City side of the Continental Divide.  That's right, we routinely traverse the Continental Divide!
What is that joke about California and Texas both being downhill...?  Never mind!  That joke isn't nearly
as funny as watching people find out what Rocky Mountain Oysters are for the first time!

Occasionally it means that I bake a cake that tastes absolutely outstanding, but looks misshapen (fallen in the center), sometimes it leads to my baked goodie turning out too dry, sometimes my baked goodie hits the garbage; there is no salvaging it!  I have loved baking since I was a tweenager.  Living at high altitude has never stopped me from baking I just have to try harder and more often than those of you who live at altitudes below 5,000 feet.  

What is that deliciousness I spy in the fridge!  O. M. G!  Look at that cake!

From time to time I get lucky on the first try and get it right, unfortunately, it wasn’t this time! The weekend prior to St. Patrick’s Day Adrienne and I decided to host a small family dinner including Cait and her husband, Alex.  It was a great excuse to try the Bailey’s Irish Cream cake we had pinned earlier; what better excuse to celebrate Alex’s Irish heritage than with a baked goodie with Bailey’s in it??  So back to the high altitude adjustments, I did make them per my normal formula, but the three layers nevertheless still sunk in the center.  Dang it, all three layers were as concave as the bowl of a spoon.  But honestly the wonderful smell from the Bailey’s permeated the house and the crumbs from the cake tasted glorious and moist so it definitely wasn’t going to the garbage.  

Pretty cake on the outside...

Fortunately this recipe also provided a frosting recipe, which under normal circumstances probably would have produced way, way, too much icing for a cake.  But my little concave yumminess needed something in the fallen center so that we could stack them and from the outside make this cake look as tall and as beautiful as America’s Mountain!   Happily, Adrienne can frost a cake like no other and from the outside, no one was the wiser. I will definitely try this baked goodie again and make some slightly different adjustments hopefully I’ll get this to work.  Yet either way, this cake is so good that I’ll eat it even if it is considered a baking failure!  

...and a little heavy on the frosting on the inside.  But still super delicious!

For those of you who live at lower altitudes, this recipe will work just fine as it is written.  If you are like me living at a higher altitude, you probably have normal adjustments that you make in all your recipes (since they vary depending on the altitude), give them a try, this cake is definitely worth the trouble to figure out until it comes out just right.  

Okay, so I just had to throw in this shot of my vintage coffee grinder.  It was my grandmother's and is definitely
over 100-years-old!

Living at altitude isn’t all bad.  Other than the fact that we have to adjust baking and some other cooking practices, we have a spectacular view, enjoy lots of outdoor activities, biking and hiking trails (yes there is even one going up America’s Mountain) and athletes love it here (balls fly further, bounce higher, and altitude training for the Olympics is a thing here).  All in all, I wouldn’t change where I live for anything, not even for a cake that turns out right the very first time.  Good luck bakers, this cake is a winner at any altitude!

We decided to go with less frosting on the top since there was soooo much in the middle.
We topped these little dollops off each with a cute as a button coffee bean!


Without further ado, here is the recipe from the blog Life Love and Sugar!  There are tons of delicious goodies we are itching to try from this fabulous blog and if this yummy cake is any indication of how sweet the other confections will taste, we are soooooo in!  Who's ready for a sugar high?!




7:16 PM No comments
Last I left off on this theme of new beginnings for my family, my Oma (grandmother) had passed and we were starting to pack up both houses.  I was also worried about not breaking down in the middle of a concert while trying to play Strauss' An der Schönen, Blauen Donau (The Beautiful Blue Danube).  I'm happy to report that I made it through the concert!  A few tears were shed but it was nothing I couldn't play through.  

Since that posting in April, so much has changed in our lives.  My mom and her brother (my uncle from Texas) both decided that when my my Oma was gone, that my mom should sell her house and then they would sell my Oma's house and get my mom into a new house--let her start over with a clean slate.  And that is exactly what we have done. 

My mom already had a builder in mind and a model home that she loved but we did some searching around anyway just in case she couldn't afford the home of her dreams.  The goal was to get her into a house where everything she needed was on the main level.  We wanted this to be her "forever home, " just like my Oma's home was for her.  We just wanted a house that was newer for my mom and with less land and no pool so it would be cheaper and less work for my mom.  We wanted her to be able to come home at the end of a long work day and just enjoy her new house, not worry about what needed repairing and how she would pay for pool maintenance and what tree needed trimming on the acre and a quarter of land my Oma owned. 


From upper left:  My Oma's land in the dead of winter; Her land in the spring (her land goes nearly up to the yellow house up the hill, and that is only on one side of the house!); Her in-ground pool closed for the season; My sister, Caitlin, enjoying the pool with the family one of the last few times.  


After finding the right home for my mom, we started working with Oakwood Homes.  The sales office representative, Stacy, was fantastic.  She's a single mom and understood a lot of what my mom had been through and what penny pinching feels like.  She suggested my mom have a meeting with their lender to go over her finances and see how much of a loan she could afford.  The lender, Kevin, was also very nice and helped my mom figure out that she could afford the house of her dreams and she would end up having a small loan--one that would be about the size of a brand new luxury car--except she'd be getting a new, energy efficient home with lots of space for the whole family!  So my mom signed a contingent contract with Oakwood--contingent on the sale of her own home.  This new home will be the nicest thing my mom will have ever owned and I'm so happy for her! 

This process has been an adventure but bittersweet at the same time.  My mom's house was my childhood home.  It was also my mom's childhood home--it had been in the family since it was built.  My Oma's house had been in the family since my mom was a senior in high school.  My family rented out the old house and when my parents married, they rented it out.  Eventually, my Oma signed the old house over to my mom when my parents divorced.  She wanted to make sure that my mom, sister and I always had a roof over our heads.  My Oma was always taking care of us.  If it weren't for her, we may have been homeless or at least without food.  Times were pretty tough after my dad left.  


Top:  The outside and inside of my mom's favorite model from Oakwood Homes.  The open floor plan on the main level with a master bedroom and laundry room on the main floor is what sold her on this house.
Bottom:  Our selections at the New Home Design Center for our hardwood floors, carpeting, tiles, laminate flooring and countertops, granite countertops fireplace tile and cabinetry.


When my mom went to sell her house, it was very nerve racking for her.  She had never bought or sold a home before, and here we were selling one and getting ready to sell another.  Luckily, the market for sellers is amazing right now and my mom's realtor for her house is even more amazing! If you are looking to buy or sell in the Colorado Springs area, Treasure Davis of Remax knows what she is doing and is great with first time buyers/sellers.  The sale of our house went fast and we got $10,000 over the asking price.  (There is basically a bidding war going on down here the market is so crazy right now!)  My mom was stunned.  Our little house in the south end of town was in need of some updating and a little bit of work--or as Treasure put it, it just needs a little TLC. 

During the selling process of my mom's house, we had appointments with the lender again, and also with the New Home Center for learning about what to expect during Oakwood's building process and to select what we wanted in the new house!  My sister joined my mom and I for selections and it's a good thing.  It was totally overwhelming but the representative helping us through it was great.  She new my mom's budget and only showed us what would fit in the budget. We stayed pretty baseline on most of the selections but we upgraded to darker woods and extended the hardwood flooring on the main level into the living room.  This opened up some other options for us, like upgrading the carpet and carpet pad.  All in all, we are very happy with our selections!  

So in late July came closing on my mother's house.  I had to leave my gardens and the rosebush that my Opa planted at the house when my family moved in.  My heirloom rosebush...it was the pride and joy of my gardens.  I tried rooting cuttings but I could never get it to work.  So I promised my Opa that I would plant a new rosebush in his honor at the new house.


From Top Left:  The corner of my mom's old house and the front yard, including my very large Russian Sage plants around the lamppost; A nearly full storage unit that you can see I've packed to the brim in the back; My Opa's (grandfather's) rosebush--the pride and joy of my garden that sometimes showed streaks of pink in the yellow petals when the summer days got really hot.  


At this point, we had two storage units full of furniture and house decor.  We new that the new house would not be done before we had to move out of my Oma's house.  My mom said that I have been playing storage unit Tetris for the past several months.  While keeping my eye out for a job I might like, I have basically been my mom's secretary and packer/mover.  But the best part closing was that my mom had signed to release the contingency on the building of her new home and in the matter of 2 weeks, they would begin construction on the new house!

Selling my Oma's house went a lot faster than my uncle's realtor thought it would.  We got a little bit over the asking price.  I think if my uncle had left it on the market longer, he would have got more.  I know he was trying to make sure that when it came time for closing on my mom's new house, that she had all the money she could have so she would get a small mortgage.  

A month or so before closing on the house we had to close the swimming pool and the buyers  wanted to come and see the process.  We really didn't want to meet these people but my mom had no choice in the matter.  They seemed nice enough and were interested in keeping the pool going.  This was nice to hear because when my family moved into this house, the pool wasn't in working condition and my Opa (grandfather) got it running even after people told him he should just fill it in and turn it into a garden. 

 
Top:  The temp controlled storage unit nearly full to "so full we can't put anything else in it" (our new house doesn't come with a fridge and our fridge at my mom's house was a gift from my Oma).
Bottom:  The two outdoor storage units--the second one got packed a little nicer than the first one...Look!  It's my mattress and my office chair!  Hello, stuff, we miss you!!


In early October it was time to leave my Oma's house.  With three storage units now full, my mom and I took only our toiletries, a small portion of our clothes and our computers and my instruments and moved into our temporary homes--my mom moved into my sister and brother-in-law's 2 bedroom apartment and my dogs and  I moved in with my dad and his wife, Jane (and their 3 dogs and a cat--it's like a mini petting zoo, but it's only for 3 months)!  I've also managed to apply recently for a marketing and graphics position with the local philharmonic.  I'm just waiting to hear back now.  (Keep your fingers crossed for me!)

I think we are all to the point now where we are more excited than reminiscent and melancholy, or overwhelmed!  I try not to think very often about the two homes I spent my childhood years in.  Mostly I try not to think about my Opa's rosebush dying at the hands of the new owners of my mom's house.  In the meantime, I will search for a rosebush similar to my Opa's from Heirloom Roses--something yellow with streaks of pink as the summer days get hotter.   

  
From top left:  The hole is dug for our new home; Headers and footers are in and they are getting ready to pour the foundation; The foundation is poured and the basement looks huge!; Building supplies are arriving and filling up the lot!


I know these 3 months will go by quick, but I'm excited to move into my mom's new house with her.  I'll have the whole upper level to myself.  And I really don't care that I'm nearing my mid-30s and still living with my mom (and currently my dad).  Even if I get a job that I could afford to live on my own, why would I when I hate cooking for 1 and love my mother's company.  Did I mention that my sister wants to move in to the downstairs bedroom in my mom's new home too?!  Plus I encourage people to spend more time with their grandparents.  I spent so much time with my Oma before she died, more than most grandkids, and I would give anything for just 1 more day with her.  So to all you millennials out there living with your parents or grandparents, don't be embarrassed!  All of the homebuilders we spoke with during this process have said they are seeing more multi-generation families searching for a home together and that the builders have been trying to build more models that would accommodate them.  Imagine that!? 

Adrienne 


12:42 PM No comments
My early spring flowers have bloomed and the late spring flowers are coming to an end while my summer flowers are just starting to take off!  We opened my Oma's pool and took our first dip in it to celebrate the sale of my mom's house and old car--my Oma would be proud that we took some time out of our chaotic schedule to celebrate something.  It's about time we did.  It has been four months since my Oma's passing and there hasn't been a whole lot to celebrate lately, it seems.

But soon my mom and I will be down to one house instead of two and are now down two cars instead of three.  And in about 6 months, we will be moving into my mom's new house.  Yes, I admit it, I'm 32-years-old and I still live with my mother.  I have lived on my own before, when I had full-time jobs.  But during my years of working for a non-profit and later taking care of my Oma it was necessary to live with family.  I wouldn't change it for anything.  When I lived on my own, I seriously hated cooking for one!

Lemons, sugar and water make up this lemon sorbet but if you replace 1/2 cup of water
with Limoncello, you will get a slightly sweeter version of this luscious dessert.
(Looks like my Limoncello bottle could use a refill!)  

But I digress!  

First, I will say that I inherited a serious taste for sour things.  My Oma used to eat lemons like oranges when growing up in Austria.  I know all that acidity is really bad for your teeth but occasionally I will eat a lemon slice or two...or three...or four...Okay, I'm addicted to lemons!  I put lemon juice in my tea, I love it on fish, I've drank lemon juice straight up...oh my mouth is watering just thinking about it!  I remember those [supposedly] sour candies as a kid, Mega Warheads.  My friends were always amazed that I never made any faces while eating them but even those weren't sour enough for me.  I never make faces while eating lemons either.  Guess I'm a first class sour puss!


And lately, especially with summer in the air, my mom and I have been on a lemon sorbet kick.  We have bought countless pints from Safeway, along with pints of raspberry sorbet--sometimes I like to have a scoop of each.  It's like eating frozen raspberry lemonade!  But I have been wanting to make my homemade lemon sorbet for some time and today, I finally had some time to make it!


This is by far, the most delicious lemon sorbet ever.  It is waaaaaaaaay better than any of the store-bought versions I've eaten.  And if you love sour lemon sorbet, this is the one for you.  Though I do have a good version for those that might like it a little less sour.  

Just because it makes it more fun, serve up your lemon sorbet
in a champagne flute instead of a bowl!

The reason I love this lemon sorbet so much is that it uses a whole 2 cups of freshly squeezed lemon juice.  Though I've been known to use bottled lemon juice when I'm too lazy to squeeze the lemons myself and it still tastes just as wonderful!  But if this version is too sour for your tastes, try replacing 1/2 cup of the water with Limoncello.  I suggest playing around with the measurements until you find the right sweet-sour balance for your taste.  

The other thing I've also added to this recipe is a few drops of lemon oil.  My dad's wife sells essential oils and I like to use some of them in cooking and baking (like the wild orange in my chocolate truffles).  


This lemon sorbet is perfect for enjoying on your back porch after a hot summer day or serving it up as dessert at any summer soiree.  Or you could try it in a Sgroppino, an Italian cocktail my aunt from Texas introduced me to.  Funnily enough, she had it while on a business trip in Turkey!  It's a mix of vodka, Prosecco, lemon sorbet and sometimes a little splash of Limoncello.  You can find a recipe for a crowd of 12 at PeterCallahan.com.  


So grab some lemons, sugar and water and get ready to get your sour puss on!


Yum

Luscious Lemon Sorbet


Recipe by This Bittersweet Life
Prep time: 5 minutes
Cook time: 2 minutes
Total time: 20 minutes to 3 hours
Yield: approximately 2 pints


Ingredients
  • 1 lemon Zest, of
  • 2 cups Freshly squeezed lemon juice
  • 1 3/4 cup Water
  • 2 cups Sugar
  • 1/2 cup Limoncello (optional)
Cooking Directions
  1. In a saucepan, combine Limoncello (if using), water and sugar and cook just until the sugar is dissolved. Remove from heat and cool slightly.
  2. Pour into a bowl then add the lemon juice and lemon zest.
  3. Next you can either cool the mixture in an ice bath (ice, salt and water) or place in the fridge until cool.
  4. Once the mixture has cooled, pour it into your ice cream maker and churn until slushy. Pour into a container and place in freezer to finish firming up.
  5. If you don't have an ice cream maker, pour into a 9x13 pan and place in freezer until firm (2-3 hours). Using a fork, stir the sorbet every half hour.



8:30 AM No comments
We have been absent from our blog for some time now.  Our Oma, (grandmother) was nearing the end of her life as she was 95-years-old and each day she required more of our time and care.  This past holiday season things started to go downhill very quickly.  My mom and I noticed a steep decline after Thanksgiving.  After my uncle from Texas visited for Christmas, there was an even steeper decline in both the mental capacity and health of my Oma.

In early January, our family made arrangements with my Oma's doctor to have her enrolled in at-home hospice care.  She was, of course, admitted into hospice.  All of our lives changed that day.  From then on out, the time she needed from me for care increased exponentially day-by-day.  My Oma could no longer use her walker and we were moving her about the house in her transfer chair.  She also could no longer get up and toilet on her own and needed help being transferred to the bedside potty.  We were feeding her and each day it became more and more of a liquid and soft food diet as her dentures no longer fit well and because it became harder for her to swallow.  


The Vintage Wedding Layout that Almost Wasn't:  I made this layout for my Oma and Opa's wedding photo but I  almost didn't make this layout.  After a huge fight with my Oma, I threw the page in the trash.  The next day I fished it out of the trash to finish it.
The Vintage Wedding Layout that Almost Wasn't:  I made this layout for my Oma and Opa's wedding photo but I
almost didn't make this layout.  After a huge fight with my Oma, I threw the page in the trash.  The next day I
fished it out of the trash to finish it.  


There were several days where my mom had to come home early because my Oma was too afraid for me to leave her side and I couldn't take my dogs out to potty or even use the bathroom myself.  The hospice workers said to get rest when she slept but there were many times my Oma would fight nature and the meds and would stay awake out of fear.  I know she always wanted to go in her sleep and she was afraid that would be the last time she would see one of us.  

Her communication skills decreased and mostly became yes and no answers with few moments of lucidity and several word answers.  I finally figured out that she wasn't really afraid to die but to leave my mom, sister and I alone.  She was afraid that we still needed her, despite the numerous amount of times everyone had told her it was okay to go; that we would all be okay because we had each other.  She was always the typical stubborn Germanic woman.  

The last few days of her life consisted of baby food (we told her it was pureed fruits to spare her what little dignity she had left), glycerin swabs, popsicles, water and her favorite, beer.  This was on top of the round-the-clock medicine doses which all had to be given in liquid form.  We had to prep syringes of morphine and crush pills and use water to pick it up into syringes.  

On what was to be her last evening, the on-call nurse called to notify us that after looking at all that had happened in the last couple of days, that my Oma was now bed-bound.  But my Oma was proud and wouldn't use her Depends.  My mom had to run an errand after work and my Oma was fidgety.  I told her to use her Depends or she would have to wait until my mom got home as she was a 2 person lift now.  My Oma waited for my mom to come help and lift her to the bedside potty.  While we waited for my mom, my Oma talked about seeing her mother and her sister Edith, whom she had never mentioned seeing before.  I knew from this, that the end was even closer than we had originally thought. When my mom arrived home we got her to the bedside potty then fed her dinner, which was a popsicle, and then gave her some beer.  


My Oma meeting my puppy, Magnus, for the first time.  She couldn't understand why I wanted a second dog…but it was love at first sight!  She and Magnus bonded during the last couple months of her life; August 2014.
My Oma meeting my puppy, Magnus, for the first time.  She couldn't understand
why I wanted a second dog…but it was love at first sight!  She and Magnus bonded
during the last couple months of her life; August 2014.  

When my mom was giving her beer, my Oma had a lucid moment.  She pulled my mom's ear toward her mouth and whispered, "Please stay home from work tomorrow."  My mom of course agreed to honor her wish.  I remember my Oma falling asleep unusually fast not long after.  My Oma didn't wake at all during the night.  There had been a few nights where she tried to get out of bed about every minute or so and many nights where she woke every couple of hours.  

The next morning my mom and I were there to greet our normal Thursday/Friday morning caretaker, Berta.  I had promised Berta last week that I would be around the house just in case she needed help with anything.  Berta was surprised to see my mom.  After telling Berta about my Oma's request Berta laughed and said, "It would be so like Ruth to schedule her own death!"  We all laughed at that because it is definitely something my Oma would have done.  She was always a scheduler and planner.  "10:30, die, check!"  That was at about 8:30 in the morning on Thursday, February 11th.

That afternoon her nurse, Emily, called to see how things were going and to make arrangements for a medication delivery on Friday so we would have enough to get us through the weekend.  I remember my Oma making some noise through the baby monitor while my mom was on the phone but she seemed to finally quite and settle down.  After my Oma was quiet, Berta went back to my her room to move the chair she had pulled up to the bed to just sit next to my Oma while she slept because she realized we couldn't see my Oma on the baby monitor.  She came out of the room and called for my mom but since my mom was still on the phone, she waved her off.  I got up and went back to see what she needed.  The color had drained from Berta's face.  I knew something wasn't right so I went into my Oma's bedroom without asking.  I remember Berta saying something as I passed her but I don't know if Berta's words came out jumbled or if I just heard it jumbled.  My heart was pounding and it finally registered that Berta was saying, "Somethings not right" over and over again.  I watched my Oma's chest for a sign of breathing and saw none.  


My Oma proudly holding up her official White House greeting for her 95th birthday; July 2015.
My Oma proudly holding up her official White House
greeting for her 95th birthday; July 2015.
 
I ran out of the room and called my mom, very insistent that she needed to come down to Oma's bedroom.  Mom was about to hang up with Emily but  had her hang on because something was wrong.  For some reason, my mom handed me the phone when I met her halfway.  I remember saying something along the lines of, "This is ridiculous, just bring Emily with us, she's the nurse" and then realizing Emily was on the phone and amending my statement.


My mom looked at my Oma for a few seconds then said, "Oh my God, Emily.  My mother died while we were on the phone."  Emily said she was hanging up and coming out right away.  I had to gather myself to call my sister's work to let her know I was coming to get her.  That was 12:20 on Thursday, February 11th.  

The rest of that day was a whirlwind but I still felt like I was moving through thickened glue.  A few days later my uncle and aunt arrived from Texas to help start cleaning out the house for the next five days.  I remember hardly having time to grieve.  I was just thankful that my Oma and I had a chance to make amends before she left for her next life's journey.  

Two months later, with my Oma's ashes interred next to my Opa's coffin and life moving on, I began working on my resume.  I need a regular job again.  I returned to my gardening as spring had literally sprung in all of them and I continued packing up my Oma's house and my mom's house.  


My sister, Caitlin, sharing a special moment with our Oma not long after she was admitted into at-home hospice care.  This was about a month prior to her death on February 11, 2016.
My sister, Caitlin, sharing a special moment with our Oma not long after she was admitted into at-home hospice care.  This was about a month prior to her death on February 11, 2016.  

Yesterday, my band began prepping music for our summer concert series.  One of the concerts in the series is entitled "Night at the Symphony" and includes some band arrangements of, as I would refer to as, heavy hitters:  Tchaikovsky's Finale to Symphony No. 4, Gershwin's An American in Paris and Mozart's Overture to the Marriage of Figaro amongst other pieces.  But when we started practicing Strauss' An der Schönen, Blauen Donau (The Beautiful Blue Danube) I nearly broke down sobbing.  I just barley held it together…it was a lot harder than I thought it would be to hear and play the song that is so emblematic of my Oma's motherland, Austria.  

And so my grieving process continues.  I will have to prepare myself before the concert with this piece in June.  Listening to it on repeat should help.  I can hardly break down during a performance or mess up notes--especially on piccolo!  I've now gotten to the end of this post, only realizing I meant to say a quick "We will be back with regular posts soon" now that things have calmed down in our lives.  Perhaps I needed this cathartic exercise.  Here is to my family's new beginnings!  

Adrienne



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